Emotional maturity is critical to the success of any relationship. We all have a sense of what is dysfunctional (fighting, not listening, etc.), but what, exactly, is a healthy relationship? How does emotional maturity contribute to a healthy relationship and what does it constitute?
Emotional maturity involves honesty with oneself and others, good communication and listening skills, and a healthy expression of feelings. Emotional maturity takes diligence, courage, and develop over time and experience.
Honesty is the Key to a Better Relationship
The emotionally mature person is honest with himself and others. Honesty begins with the self. Being honest with yourself takes diligence and, well, honesty. It takes courage to admit what you are really feeling and thinking. Society places all kinds of restrictions and imposes moral condemnations to what we honestly feel and think.
Be honest with yourself. For example, are you really angry with him for not doing the dishes, or is the anger displaced from a disappointment from the weekend before? Try and identify the true reason for having the feeling that you are experiencing.
Good Communication is Essential to a Healthy Relationship
One sign of emotional maturity is good communication. Communication is a two way street and involves good listening skills, as well as the ability to express one's feelings, perceptions and ideas. Toastmasters International is a non-profit club that helps people develop their communication skills in a safe and supportive environment.
Communicating your feelings and thoughts takes courage and gets easier with practice. You may feel that you have tried to communicate to your partner but he or she does not listen. The emotionally mature person does his or her part by continuing to communicate, anyway.
Expressing Feelings is an Essential Ingredient to a Healthy Relationship
In addition to being a good communicators, emotionally mature people need to be honest with themselves about their feelings. It's necessary to "own up" to your feelings and identify them in the first place so that they can be expressed and communicated. How can you communicate what you don't even know you are feeling?
Once you have identified what you are feeling, it is healthy to express them to your partner in keeping with good communication in an environment of trust. It's important not to be over-expressive, volatile or inappropriate (e.g. screaming or crying hysterically in public) when expressing feelings. On the other hand, it is important to not be stoic and un-expressive, either.
Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, elaborates on how to express feelings in his book What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know: Advanced Relationship Skills for Better Communication and Lasting Intimacy. The chapter, "Masculine Skills for Listening Without Getting Upset" is full of anecdotes and examples of healthy expression of feelings in a relationship.
Emotionally mature partners who like themselves, are honest with themselves, are good communicators and good listeners, and who express their honest feelings have the best chance at maintaining a healthy relationship. Emotional maturity and psychological health lead to happiness and happiness leads to a healthy relationship. You must be mature and complete within yourself first, and not look to derive the happiness from the relationship.
Resources:
Men Like Women Who Like Themselves by Seven Carter and Julia Sokol (Delacorte Press, 1996).
What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know: Advanced Relationship Skills for Better Communication and Lasting Intimacy by John Gray, Ph.D. (Harper Collins, 1994).
Mind Over Mood: Change the Way You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky (Guilford Press, 1995).
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